


How Many Ways Can You Lose A Friend?

by ItsMeGetOverIt



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst, Coulson loves his BUS kids, May is not happy, May loves her BUS kids, Misunderstandings lead to Mistreatment, Season 2 AU, Simmons leaves, Simmons self-blame, mama may, papa phil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-16
Updated: 2017-03-17
Packaged: 2018-10-05 23:47:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10320335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ItsMeGetOverIt/pseuds/ItsMeGetOverIt
Summary: Jemma is no stranger to making a hard call. But she's never done it whereshewas the benefactor. But that's about to change. She feels she's on the brink of breaking, so she decides to finally do something about it. Regardless of what the others think.Set after Simmons returns to the Playground but before 07-Writing on the Wall.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Found this floating around on my computer while I was stuck on all three of my longer stories I'm _trying_ to write. Has the potential to be longer, but also works kind of as is. There's another chapter I will definitely add to this, but then that might be it.  
>  We'll see.
> 
> Title comes from "Careless" by Paul Kelly  
>  _How many cabs in New York City?_  
>  _How many angels on a pin?_  
>  _How many notes in a saxophone?_  
>  _How many tears in a bottle of gin?_  
>  _How many times did you call my name?_  
>  _Knock at the door, but you couldn't get in?_  
>  _How many stars in the Milky Way?_  
>  _How many ways can you lose a friend?_

_…I heard he told you how he felt and you bailed. ..._

_…You left! I needed help. …_

_…the only thing that makes him worse is you. …_

_…Because what? You think I'm useless? …_

These words had been haunting her for days and Jemma just didn't want to face the reality of what Mack's comment really meant. How Fitz's accusation had wounded her. But she couldn't any more.

_…you bailed… …you left… …worse is you… …I'm useless…_

She couldn't pretend any more.

She hadn't gotten any decent sleep since that day. She was both exhausted and keyed up at the same time.

This had to stop.

_... **bailed** … … **left** … … **worse** … … **useless** …_

She knocked loudly on the open door frame.

"Sir, can I please grab a word?" she asked sticking her head into Coulson's office.

The Director looked up from the file he and May were leaning over. The two gave her a long look before May shut the file.

"Of course Agent Simmons."

May picked up the stack of files and moved around the desk as Jemma fully entered the office.

"What can I do for you?"

Jemma shut the door behind her before May could reach it.

"I think it would be easier if I went over this once with both of you, honestly," she started standing up straight with her hands behind her back.

The two senior agents exchanged a confused look. May put the files back down and Coulson nodded for her to begin, she had their attention.

"Sir, I'd like a transfer to another base. If I can't, I think it would be best if I hand in my resignation from SHIELD."

Her words were met with silence.

If it were any other time Jemma might have appreciated the surprised look that crossed both senior agents' faces. It took a lot to surprise either of the experienced agents before her.

"Simmons," Coulson began. But he clearly didn't know what to actually say. He looked to May searching for words. "Jemma, it's always difficult readjusting after being undercover. You just need to give it some time. Let what's happened sink in for both you and the others."

"It's not that sir. Well, not just that." Jemma took a rugged breath but didn't flinch from meeting either of their gazes. "I feel like I'm only hampering things here."

"You're not-"

"I am!" Jemma cut him off stepping forward closer to the desk they stood at. "I can see it, surely both of you can too. The new people don’t trust me, they don’t feel comfortable around me. The only person who is perfectly fine around me is Agent Morse. Both Trip and Skye are walking on eggshells around me. I can see things were running smoothly before I set foot on base. But now… now there's a tension in everything I have a hand in."

"Readjustment-"

"It's not that! There's none of that with Bobbi not even from Hunter and everyone knows the couple's history. I feel their looks when my back is turned. I'm only making things needlessly difficult."

A thick silence filled the office again and Jemma hated how heavy her breathing was. Even worse was the prickle behind her eyes.

"What have you heard?" May finally asked, looking at the younger agent steadily in the eye.

Her breath hitched as _that_ conversation played through her head again. Mack hadn’t been malicious, but ripping her still beating heart out of her chest would have been less painful.

"They all assumed the worst of me," she choked out, collapsing into one of the chairs breaking eye contact.

"No they didn't." Coulson tried consoling her leaning on the front of his desk and putting a hand on her slumped shoulder.

"Yes, they did," she emphatically corrected.

May took the other seat beside her and tilted her head so their eyes could meet again.

"What was said?"

Jemma couldn't get the words out shaking her head.

"We won’t hold it against them personally," Coulson offered.

" _You_ might not," May quipped.

Jemma smiled through her watery eyes at May's protective tone.

"I- I had a conversation with Mack about… about Fitz," she started. The senior agents exchanged a glance. "He said something that made me realise what everyone thinks, or at least thought, of me. If it had been Hunter I could've brushed it off as a rash comment made in the defence of a friend," Jemma shook her head, "but _Mack_ … he doesn't seem like the rash kind. He's the kind who wouldn't let only one person's version be what he accepts as truth. For him to think I… I **_bailed_** on Fitz… more than one person had to have made a comment either to him or in front of him."

Jemma had to take a moment to breathe through the lump that had formed at the back of her throat. She'd started now, she had to see this conversation through.

"His comment also included how we had history. There are five people on the base that could have made comments for him to put things together in that way. And I know the two of you wouldn't have said anything about me or where I was. And there's no way Fitz's comments couldn’t be considered biased, so that leaves… that means it was Skye and Trip." Jemma felt the first tear make its way down her cheek. "I can see it in their eyes that they feel like they have to make it up to me somehow. Why would they need to do that? What other reason is there? If the people who knew me the best could assume the worst of me… then how can I stay here? How can we trust each other when that's already been broken?"

A few more tears stole their way down her face before she forcefully wiped them away.

"I just… I don't know if I can keep doing this anymore."

Coulson stood, giving her shoulder a tight squeeze.

"We're going to need some time for us all to think this over. I'll have a look through where else SHIELD can use you." Jemma raised her head so brown eyes could meet blue. "I'm not ready to lose you now, Jemma, any more than I was during the Chitauri virus. Even _more_ now, because I've gotten to know you better, and you're someone I trust; implicitly."

Jemma gave him a watery tight smile nodding.

"Take the rest of the day and the week; I'll see you back here in a week where I'll have options for you to look through."

"Thank you sir." She stood. "I'm sorry to be such a bother."

Coulson waved off her comment.

"We all go through rough patches, we can't control when they happen. I just don't want to lose you over it."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This part is set at the end of episode 07- Writing on the Wall.

**A Few Months Later...**

"Our job; find it before anyone else," Coulson said ending the briefing.

All the agents before him nodded and he could see most eyes fall on Skye as she took a step forward into the holographic image.

"I have a question that's on a lot of our minds."

"About how we're going to do this? I'm -"

"No. Not to do with this."

Skye waved to the city and the gesture moved the image of the city away, leaving open space between them.

"What's your question then Skye? The floor, apparently, is yours," Coulson commented.

Looking around the only ones who didn't seem to already know what the question was going to be, a side from himself, were May and Morse.

"Where's Simmons? What have you done with Jemma?"

"Agent Simmons has been reassigned to a classified operation," Coulson replied his expression becoming hard at the mention of the female scientist. "I'm not at liberty to tell you how to contact her. To answer your next question."

"Are you forgetting you are the boss? You can just de-classify it," Hunter called his mockery dripping from his words.

"I didn't say contacting her was classified, I said I wasn't at liberty to tell you. She requested that details remain private, so I'm honouring that request. Or do you think your curiosity outweighs her right to privacy, Mr Hunter?"

"That's not what I-"

"Why?" Skye pressed cutting Hunter off. "Why would she leave again so soon? Did you force her take on another undercover mission?"

"You know what you need to know on the matter," Coulson answered turning his back to the group, his patience on this matter wearing thin very fast, especially at the accusation made by Skye.

"That's not good enough!"

"Drop it Skye," May snapped at the junior agent. "You don't want to get into this. Not now. Not here."

"Yes, I do! We all care about Jemma; we deserve more details. What happened to no more secrets?"

"We're a spy organisation for god's sake Skye; there will always be some secrets. And doesn't Jemma deserve the right to privacy?" May countered. "If she didn't confide in you, maybe there's a reason for that!"

"I'm her best friend!" Skye snapped. "After Fitz, of course."

"Yeah, well, you're a shit best friend then," Coulson snapped rounding on her. "You want to do this publically? Fine. I know you're used to always getting your way with me Skye. I know I treat you with too much familiarly; I know I made our old team into too much of a family, but _you're_ the one who made me chose in this family here. So don't get upset when I decide to put Jemma's wellbeing first! It's about time damn _someone_ did, cos goodness knows _she_ hasn't in months! Hell, probably since I let Ward drop her and Fitz out of that plane!"

The mention their former specialist was enough to make Skye shrink back. While Fitz flinched at the mention of the incident that gave him his injury.

"Two months ago she asked for reassignment or she was resigning." Coulson let his words reverberate around the silent room before he continued, "Rather than letting her loose for Hydra, or gods forbid _Ward_ , to get their hands on her again I found her another secure SHIELD facility for her to work in. She's safe, she's making friends- I wouldn't go so far as to say she's happy right now, but she's actually getting better. The people there are helping her get better. Which is a hell of a lot more than was happening here."

"I- I asked how she was," Skye shakily defended herself wrapping her arms tight around her middle, "after she got back from undercover. We talked!"

"How long was she back before you even thought to ask her that? And did you really hear her response?" May quietly pressed. "She hasn't been fine for a lot longer than that."

Skye opened her mouth to respond, but words failed her.

_"Jemma." Was she crying while making tea? "What's wrong?"_

_"Hi," she greeted acting as though her tears weren't there. "It's nothing really. I should get back to work."_

_"Okay," Skye commented, giving Jemma a look to know let her she didn't believe her._

_"Working together," Jemma began. "I thought it would be good for us. Like old times, you know."_

_"Sometimes it catches up with me too." Skye offered trying to get Jemma to keep talking._

_"Yes."_

_A both hard and broken look crossed Jemma's eyes faster than Skye could react. What was that?_

_"Well, it's to be expected, isn't it? I'm not sure why I thought-"_

_Her voice trailed off and Skye felt useless in being able to help her. But she **needed** to help her- especially with reconnecting with Fitz._

_"It's just after what Ward did to him-" Jemma raised her hands in a surrender and defeated way._

_"You're allowed to be angry." She can see Jemma internalising this and she worried what that will do to her friend. "You know that right?"_

_"I do," she said with no conviction and what sounded to Skye like defeat. "You know, these past few months are the longest Fitz and I have been apart since we met. Isn't that a silly thing to think about?"_

_"That you miss him? No. But you should tell him that. You Brits keep why too much to yourselves." Another unrecognisable look crosses Jemma's eye and before Skye can identify it it's gone. She has to get Jemma talking. Maybe humour is the better route. "Except for Hunter. Is he even British? It's like he just doesn't stop talking."_

_"He does talk a lot. And always about Bobbi. He's clearly very over her, wouldn't you say?" She grinned humourlessly._

_"I'm glad you're back."_

_A watery smile shone back as Jemma softly answered, "I'm getting there."_

_Jemma still couldn't lie, but all Skye could do was watch her hurt friend walk away two mugs of tea in hand._

"She wasn't just struggling with the readjustment after being undercover," Bobbi softly explained to the younger agent, and the rest of the room. "She _genuinely_ believed that her presence was a hindrance to Fitz's wellbeing. And that was eating her up. She made the hard call to leave and go undercover. To her it felt like everyone was running her through the ringer for it. But none of you were as hard on her as she was to herself. It was becoming destructive to _her_ ; she had to get out."

"How do you know that?" Trip asked softly.

Bobbi shrugged. "I'm good at reading people. And she confided some of this to me before she left."

Skye stared daggers at the other agent. "You knew she was leaving and didn’t say anything to the rest of us? Or try and talk her out of it? Why would she confined in you?"

"I had her back while she was undercover. And I joined the situation without any prior knowledge of her or Fitz," she nodded to the engineer. "I hadn't already made a judgement on her over her decision to go undercover. Apparently I was one of only three agents on this base who didn't hold that against her."

Silence filled the room like a thick fog that was chocking the agents who had both consciously and unconsciously cast a judgement on their team mate and driven her away.

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you think. There are parts I feel OOC, but I don't know how I could fix them. Constructive criticism is welcome.


End file.
